I Don't Like It

 I hate this feeling I don't like it.

I had such a steady day at work, though boring but I was peaceful and working in my own pace and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I felt good coming in the house with my family being complete. Both girls were eating dinner and some chicken legs waiting for me cooked by my husband, which I appreciate so much.

Anyway, I don't know if it is the hormones kicking in or I don't even know how to describe how I felt earlier. I learned that first born daughter and her dada went shopping for a new laptop, a printer, coffee brewer and a water filter something. 

A strange feeling just suddenly appear out of nowhere. It's bad and I don't like it. I don't wanna entertain it, it makes me guilty at the same time, hurt. I felt jealous. Don't get me wrong, I am happy how responsible and supportive the daddy towards his kids and how willing he is to spend so much money on the kids, which is understandable and admirable...

But deep within me, something says, "what about me?' 

Tomorrow is Megan's birthday and she was telling me a few things she want to have for her birthday which are basic things a teenager would want. Shoes of her choice, a visit to a bookstore and an hour drive to a bigger mall which I thoroughly explain to her to do all those when I have a longer day off. She understood, I assumed.

Anyway, the daddy already has a gift for the birthday girl. A grand clarinet! This girl has been working hard to be better at it so she deserves this really beautiful instrument. I was astounded of the price! A freaking $8,000 clarinet! The band director should know that isn't just a cheapo thing once he sees it when Megan brings it to the band hall.

All this extravagant spending for his kids I have nothing against it. In fact, I feel proud he does all he can for his kids.

It is okay though, I will keep it silent. It's good, that's what should fathers do, being the provider and dependable at all times. 

I will just have to keep working as long as I can and save some more. Someday, I will be able to buy that very thing I want to buy once I will have enough funds for it.

I honestly feel forgotten or irrelevant. I once jokingly asked him I need a new cellphone. I was told to by my own, it's because I am working. Okay. It isn't about the material things, this is about being thought of.. you know the gesture that I am included.

That is true, I earn money but of course, it would be different if someone has given it to me knowing he can very well afford it. 

Maningkamot ta ug atoa ani day kay abtik ug baskog paman ta ug lawas e kayod. At least, wala gi hikawan sa ilang mga kinahanglanon inyong mga anak. Ana nalang. Ayaw nalang ug kalain, self. Adios!

E luom nalang gud samtang makaya pa.

 

If That Makes You Happy

 I must be that irritating to you huh? We haven't been talking well simply because of small irritants that you are making a big deal out of. After almost two months of cold treatment, we made up for just a week, and here you are again, back to being cold and ignoring each other; it seems to be our normal as we get older, anyway. 

Just keep doing what you are doing; if that makes you happy, I'll let you be. Remember this, you are not always healthy, and you are getting old. How you treat me within the next three years will determine whether I should stay or move back to the city closer to my girls. 

You being sarcastic and an asshole, okay. I will be patient with you as long as I can. If that makes you happy, sige lang! I'll be gone, bye-bye, and once I am out, I will never look back. My mantra would be don't chase, don't beg. Trust me, if I say it, I am really gonna do it.

Year 2026!

Oh, hello, Blog!

 I just had this random thought about getting back to blogging again, what if? It has been such a long time since I haven't really paid attention to getting on the computer and being confined in a small and dark corner of the house because it is boring and lonesome; I could cry. Such a depressing thing to do to just always sit on the computer. For me, it is wild for some people that they could do it all day, every day of their lives. But here I am, tapping on the keyboard, making a comeback to my very first post fourteen years later. Who would have thought? Something urged me to blog again, to, you know, just let my thoughts out once in a while and not really put pressure on myself to always update a blog. 

I am actually really surprised that several of the blogs that I started years ago are still alive! So, here I am again, finding myself writing my first entry for the year 2026! It has been so many years have passed since I wrote my last entry, and which blog I posted last, I don't even remember! As for me, I am still the same old me who came to America 20 years ago.

 I still speak broken English, or what we call "guava English"; I am now turning 43 years old in 25 days; I have a few streaks of gray hair, have gained 17 pounds over the years because I stopped working out since I started getting a full-time job. Yes, I am older and a little bit wiser. Surely, I have learned a lot about life, family relationships, friends,  and most of all about children and marriage. I have changed jobs five times already since 2017. 

The longest I stayed in a job is five years in a manufacturing company. Life has been great for my whole family and me. Our girls are now grown, both are teenagers, and one is about to go to college in August. My husband retired from policing in 1017, and we moved away from the city, which had a quarter-million population, to a tiny town in Northeast Texas with maybe 4.000 population now (there was only 2,000 population when we moved here 9 years ago).

I am currently employed at a company that is young and new, making organic wellness and beauty products. I work over there as a label coordinator for, guess what? exactly 8 months today, the day I also decided to come back to blogging. Double cheers to that self! I am kinda proud of myself of the job I am doing today because this is my very first desk job since I started venturing out on working outside of our home. It is funny to think that I graduated from a computer course in college and never used that course in my working life. I've always worked in a fast-paced environment, and I've grown tired of doing those jobs as I got older, so this one is different from what I did in the past, although the scope of the job is related to my previous position. 

I'll continue yapping next time. I feel like I am sitting down on the computer too long and my eyes are getting tired... ciao!

I Feel Miserable

I haven't had a good sleep 3 nights in a row. Last night was the worst because I only had 2 hours of shallow sleep. I was nauseated, with hoarse throat and stuffy nose. I don't feel good at all, I feel so miserable plus the baby is teething. She is cranky and wouldn't sleep, if she sleeps it would be 15-minute nap since last night.

Poor girl, her lower gum is swelling, looks like two teeth are gonna come out soon. There is no one around to help me with her. I try myself though to attend my sick baby even though I don't feel good. Here's the worst case scenario, I am passing my virus to my baby when I fed her this morning. I had to lick and blow her spoon before I could give it to her to ensure the food is not hot.... Great way of passing my sickness to her, yeah?

Bored And Worried

I feel bored during the day. There is nothing much to do here, less tasks plenty of time to think of going out but I can't. I am afraid the car is gonna blow up if I drive it somewhere. Last Sunday, the front hood was steaming and leaking with a lot of water. It worries me. I asked my husband why that was, he had no answer. So now I feel trapped... I so wanting to see the crowd, breathe fresh air or get away from the house for a while...

At night, I worry to death...because of my blogs... I've been blogging for almost 5 yrs. now and my blogs are part of me that is hard to let go. So please God, don't let my great fear happen. You know deep in my heart I wish that they will stay as long as I live!

I Am Ready

Sunday is a day we schedule for my parallel parking practice. Last Sunday was skipped because it was dark and raining all day. Since it was so sunny and beautiful today, we went to the usual place, DMV and did my practice. We didn't stay there long for the first time ever, 20 minutes at the most. I only did 3 or 4 times parking and that was it. My husband was quite happy of what I did. I guess I familiarized myself now of the proper techniques of parallel parking and today I did it.

I even asked him if we can set a schedule for my road test next Friday and he agreed to it. So that means, I AM READY TO TAKE THE TEST? Wow awesome! I can't wait and I hope this time I will be able to pass the exam so I can get my driver license. If that's gonna happen, that's gonna be my greatest accomplishment this year!